On crosswords, CNN and knowledge.

Despite the fact that my exams are in less than 5 days, I read zilch today. 

Before you judge me…know i had cramps…and that my cramps are hell. 
I started out doing yoga (to increase my metabolism and make my drugs work faster…if that makes sense) and then basically slept for 5 hours). 
When I woke up, I went to a friend’s room to eat. She got a crossword puzzle the other day. It’s the one with black and white boxes i hated when I was younger. The one that makes you think too much…bleurgh (why can’t we all do the one where you draw lines accross the page to connect letters).
I like to think of myself as a smart girl sometimes but having a friend like this one makes me feel sooo not smart. This is good…in a weird sense, because it opens my eyes to how much stuff I don’t know. 
How did i get here? Well, we did a few words together and it’s funny how many words I don’t know. Or how much time it takes me to think about certain things. 
We watched cnn next, a documentary on ISIS – Blindsided.  I don’t think I learnt anything particularly new about Isis, apart from the fact that it’s officially an actual state now…with plate numbers for vehicles and stuff. It’s much bigger than we thought it was. We know this now because a german journalist was allowed to go in and capture it. You better believe Isis is not just “a couple of terrorists” that no one needs to be afraid of. It’s bigger. 
Lol where was I going…I learnt about the dark web. Apparently the internet indexed by search engines is only 5% of the internet. The rest of the 95% isn’t included. The Dark Web is used to sell drugs, illegal weapons and similar stuff. Most importantly, it is used by Isis to convey messages that can’t be traced. 
Some guy developed a search engine called MEMEX that can be used to search the dark web. I tried to find it. I’m still trying…oh I did. It’s how to use it that’s the actual problem. Computer language makes me dizzy. 
ANYWAYS, my point is, it’ll be nice to be reaaally smart. It’d be so nice to know a lot of stuff. Just wake up in the morning and be a SuperNerd. Till then i’ll keep learning. It’s just distressing how all the knowledge i’ve amassed in my life seems to be about weird esoteric areas nobody cares about. 
I just want to be bloody smart. 
Addition on the 5th of June – apparently anyone can search the dark web- Anonymouse.org or sth like that is one of the sites you can use.

Where was this going? (Kanye?)

I used to love Kanye. My earliest memory of anything Kanye was listening to College Dropout while my aunty Ayo and uncle Wale drove me to and from chocolat royale on children’s day. 
I didn’t know enough back then to appreciate how much of a genius kanye was but his music had auto tune, and I lovedddd autotune. 
Kanye is an intelligent man. You don’t need to listen to all of his stuff to figure that out. If you listened  to his old stuff and you might just have  labelled him a conscious rapper. Common, tupac, lupe…I personally don’t think you can have a popular conscious rapper who’s not intelli…wait… 
Kanye is married to Kim Kardashian. 
An intelligent man married Kim Kardashian. 
And all over the world intelligent men have been getting married to and will continue to date Kim Kardashians everyday.  
End of note written on the 22nd day of july 2014. 
I don’t know where i was going with this. Guess I was just trying to say have a nice body and good guys will come your way. 
A woman being labelled smart might not exactly have any significance.

Look what i found

Apparently written june 2014. The 24th. 

Lord knows what was happening 
Did you call me out of the darkness? 
Was i asked to be formed from the earth? 
Wasn’t my soul content with complacency… 
If it did exist at all. 
Did you ask my opinion 
Didn’t i fall to earth against my will? 
If i was asked… 
If you sought consent 
Why does my breathing stop uphill 
Why does life draw blood from my veins 
Why do my bruises bare their teeth 
To laugh at my impending insanity 
Maybe i agreed to fall to the earth
Maybe the angel in me saw something glorious within this furnace 
If she did…i beg glory to shine through 
Before this furnace consumes.

Lost

I’m not proofreading this post. 
I used to try to be in touch with myself once. I used to take out time to be alone, take out time to pray, write…anything. 
Then after that i guess was the phase when everything became too real and taking out time to be alone didn’t feel as good as it did before. I’d try but then all i’d feel was pain. The time to “be alone” wasn’t exactly about being alone anymore it meant facing the pain of everything i was going through. Songs and prayers became tears until I found a way out. 
Or not really. 
I became someone else. Being alone meant being busy…i couldn’t just “be” anymore. It had to be technology or friends. Noise. Some type of noise…any type of noise was fine. I morphed into someone that didn’t have any pain as much as i could. I morphed into somebody “normal”. Somebody that had left the last two stages behind. Somebody trying new things and craving and looking for new experiences. Somebody I never knew i’d become. 
Maybe she was always there…I wouldn’t know. Maybe she was looking for an opportunity to come out and stop feeling and detach from reality. I don’t know. 
This new person doesn’t really care anymore or is so used to pretending not to that she doesn’t know where to stop. 
This new person can’t talk to God because everything is too complex now. 
This new person is lost. Lost in doing anything. Anything other than feeling. 
She doesn’t bother telling the world because nobody understands. She’ll tell people that really want to know because they’re curious…but not everything…never everything…only a little.  
She doesn’t ever want to become one of those dramatic i-need-attention girls that are always looking for sympathy. She’s over her past (till it haunts her when she’s thinking about how she got here) and feels everyone should be too. She’s over whatever may be happening in her personal life. She’s over herself.  
She’s over her past, present and future. 
So she’s here…pretending and being. 
Until she calls home… and everything falls to pieces again. Only momentarily anyways. She’ll be back to pretending again.  
6th day of may 2015.