I’ve gotten to the point in my life where i feel i don’t really need anyone, apart from family…i’ll always need family. When I say need anyone, i mean in THAT sense.
The only times when i feel i do are those times everyone has when you wish you had someone to tell about your day or need to cuddle or whatever; but all that goes away as quickly as it comes.
This feeling dies even quicker when i try to open up (just a bit) and then nobody seems to understand.
I’ve gotten to the point where i feel weird whenever i “talk too much” about the stuff no one should feel weird about though there’s still some pretty “dark” stuff i’ve never told anyone and will definitely die happily taking to my grave.
It first started out with no intention to be this way and then more and more, as i realised there was practically no one on earth who understood me or who could at least “help”, i grew more and more comfortable with being alone.
It scares me sometimes especially when i’m handling stuff alone i think…is this even normal? I cry with myself, laugh with/at myself (more of the former, lol), fall and pick myself off the ground.
I’m well accustomed to reprimanding myself every time either myself or i let one of our secrets out…like when i tell somevody something that i felt should be some sort of secret (some sort of because the serious stuff hasn’t been told to a soul…only person i plan to trust with that stuff is whoever puts a ring on the finger…mostly because that’ll be a tad proof that i’m loved way too much to be discarded over whatever “drama” i’m bringing to the table; said person shall be blinded, smitten and utterly lovestruck…too much to escape 😈).
I have friends but it’s quite weird because i can live without them…i actually can not think of anyone in my life apart from family that i consider indispensable and that’s where i think most of my problems lie.
I’m not proud of this because being the “best friend” of yourself definitely has its disadvantages…like stumbling on someone’s insta page and thinking “why did me and such-and-such ever stop talking?” Then you remind yourseld of the time such-and-such was calling for a while and trying to keep in touch. What did YOU do? Zilch.
As i’m my own therapist and confidante i’ve come up with a couple of reasons for why i’m such a self sufficient island. I really don’t want to list them..but they’re in my head somewhere.
Lol i’m not really that alone…God’s there but apart from that there’s really no one i could talk to with the deep stuff.
That’s one of my reasons for having this blog…and although it helps i’m still not comfortable sauing the stuff i thought i’d say.
With time I guess.