A parody of Nuts

It was a hot sunny afternoon, Miss Nuts held her law school application forms in her hand…contemplating how much of a pot of beans this life was and how she’d give anything to not have to fill out the forms. 

She joined the cab queue in her school for cabs that’d take her and as many students as the cab could seat to the destinations of their choice on the school campus. Miss Nuts was headed to the school gate, so she could leave school and walk the few metres to her off-campus ‘apartment’. 
Lost in thought, Miss Nuts failed to notice the cab in front of her was already full. She turned round to notice the impatient students at her back her filling up the two cabs behind her, making her look like she was ‘slow’.  
She walked backwards to close up the space left by the impatient students  as Mr Napoleon, a stranger to Miss Nuts thought it best to take up the non-existent role of Head of Cab Line Administrations and ignorantly alert Miss Nuts of the existence of a cab queue. Before we continue our little story, we will need to bear in mind the following points- 
1. Mr Napoleon told Miss Nuts there was a cab queue…he did not ask if she was on it. 
2. This statment was made rather rudely as the  ensuing bruhaha could have been averted if the statement was posed as a polite question.   
3. Mr Napoleon bore the aura of what Nigerian people would call “I-too-know”; those people who would take out the time to write and submit the names of noise-makers in secondary school and then proceed to submit said lists although nobody asked.  
4. Mr Napoleon was rather short, about Miss Nuts height, meaning him highly susceptible to the famous napoleonic complex.  
Back to our story, as soon as Mr Napoleon fulfilled the duties of his self-appointed office by uttering the words ‘We are on a queue’, fagged out, famished and annoyed Miss Nuts replied calmly ‘Are you blind?’. On a normal day, Miss Nuts would not have said a thing and would have left a bewildered Mr Napoleon looking on as she dusted off his foolishness without even a slight acknowledgment of his presence while other observant people on the queue would have alerted him of her legitimate spot on the queue; but unfortunately, this was not a normal day. 
The words had left her mouth without being processed by her brain which was probably fried by the hot sun. 
Mr Napoleon was furious and his jaw trembled from his apparent anger. 
The next few moments went by in a blur and before Miss Nuts could say “nutcase”, Mr Napoleon blurted out the words ‘ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU’RE TELLING ME AM I BLIND, ARE YOU MAD?’  
Miss Nuts was not used to such displays of streetness laced with bad grammar, in her direction anyway.  
A female onlooker sensed trouble and stepped in between them to prevent Miss Nuts face from getting bashed in while she calmly said a few words to explain the reason for her question. 
Seeing as Mr Napoleon was a mad dog who was only bent on displaying his false masculinity, and one who was hell-bent on slapping her to further establish the fact that he was raised under a bridge in a Lagos slum by street urchins who could not differentiate between the sexes of the human race, Miss Nuts instinctively made her way into the waiting cab. Mr Napoleon got in the same cab.
Mr Napoleon was not done, he kept on shouting and thus attracting the attention of the driver and other passengers in the cab to the fact that Miss Nuts had asked him if he was blind. The driver and a man in the passengers seat advised him to exercise self control ‘as a man’ without asking Miss Nuts for her side of the story. 
Mr Napoleon switched to Yoruba (because english was certainly not enough to declare the extent of his stupidity and faulty chauvinistic mindset) to tell Miss Nuts about how she was lucky God had saved her from his slap. At this point Miss Nuts was quiet because continuously engaging a mad man in conversation can only be to a person’s detriment. 

Miss Nuts said a few words in her defence (including the fact that his statement was made menacingly) and told Mr Napoleon that her question was just a question, and he could go beat up his wife or girlfriend. Mr Napoleon reiterated that he’d never say something like that to his wife. because his wife would not ask him if he was blind (lol, this we all know is grossly untrue, because men like Mr Napoleon would beat their wives up even if they were robots that obeyed and worshipped the ground they walk on)

Fearing that this animal in human skin (Mr Napoleon) might do some damage to her pretty face or in his rage pour acid on her  (if he had any, which was highly unlikely), Miss Nuts plugged her earphones in while Mr Imbecile rattled away. She spoke no words and as she alighted the vehicle at the gate and walked to the safety of her ‘apartment’, she also looked through the side of her eyes to see if Mr Imbecile-Crazy person-halved-brain-and-invariably-short-dicked-mofo would try to sucker punch her. 

The adrenaline rush lasted till she got to her room. She thought about every thing that had happened. Although she brandished a tough demeanour (but cute face) she was also a scaredy-cat by a many standards. 

She played her music on the loudest volume while she tried to calm down. 
After exploring the possibility of her verbal  but almost physical attacker seeking her out for his personal vendetta, and crossing out the possibilities, she continued with her day; and concluded that she needed to watch her mouth. 


Author: loladeniyi


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