Mandy Small is the main character in Jean Ure’s children’s novel ‘Fruit and Nutcase’. This is dedicated to her growing up.
I’m not proofreading this post.
I used to try to be in touch with myself once. I used to take out time to be alone, take out time to pray, write…anything.
Then after that i guess was the phase when everything became too real and taking out time to be alone didn’t feel as good as it did before. I’d try but then all i’d feel was pain. The time to “be alone” wasn’t exactly about being alone anymore it meant facing the pain of everything i was going through. Songs and prayers became tears until I found a way out.
Or not really.
I became someone else. Being alone meant being busy…i couldn’t just “be” anymore. It had to be technology or friends. Noise. Some type of noise…any type of noise was fine. I morphed into someone that didn’t have any pain as much as i could. I morphed into somebody “normal”. Somebody that had left the last two stages behind. Somebody trying new things and craving and looking for new experiences. Somebody I never knew i’d become.
Maybe she was always there…I wouldn’t know. Maybe she was looking for an opportunity to come out and stop feeling and detach from reality. I don’t know.
This new person doesn’t really care anymore or is so used to pretending not to that she doesn’t know where to stop. This new person can’t talk to God because everything is too complex now.
This new person is lost. Lost in doing anything. Anything other than feeling.
She doesn’t bother telling the world because nobody understands. She’ll tell people that really want to know because they’re curious…but not everything…never everything…only a little.
She doesn’t ever want to become one of those dramatic i-need-attention girls that are always looking for sympathy. She’s over her past (till it haunts her when she’s thinking about how she got here) and feels everyone should be too. She’s over whatever may be happening in her personal life.
She’s over herself.
She’s over her past, present and future.
So she’s here…pretending and being.
Until she calls home… and everything falls to pieces again. Only momentarily anyways. She’ll be back to pretending again.
6th day of May 2015.