Mental housecleaning

Me in the past (Source:

When I was either 6/7 years old, I remember writing a letter to God (I think) saying I thought I was adopted because of the way I was treated at home (though I don’t think anything out of the ordinary was going on at home) and that when I died I didn’t want to go to heaven or hell I just wanted to disappear. Hell was of course too terrible for anyone and then heaven, as much as my childhood mind had grasped from Sunday school sessions, was a place where mindless drones gathered to sing ‘hallelujah’ all day wearing shiny robes. Although very young at the time the idea was quite boring so I remember praying very hard to disappear- I didn’t want to exist in any form. I was writing this note in church when my baby brother took it and waddled quickly to hand it over to my mum. I remember panicking but I don’t think there was any major reaction after she read it- maybe she just couldn’t see my handwriting because it was terrible. It still is.

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