When I was either 6/7 years old, I remember writing a letter to God (I think) saying I thought I was adopted because of the way I was treated at home (though I don’t think anything out of the ordinary was going on at home) and that when I died I didn’t want to go to heaven or hell I just wanted to disappear. Hell was of course too terrible for anyone and then heaven, as much as my childhood mind had grasped from Sunday school sessions, was a place where mindless drones gathered to sing ‘hallelujah’ all day wearing shiny robes. Although very young at the time the idea was quite boring so I remember praying very hard to disappear- I didn’t want to exist in any form. I was writing this note in church when my baby brother took it and waddled quickly to hand it over to my mum. I remember panicking but I don’t think there was any major reaction after she read it- maybe she just couldn’t see my handwriting because it was terrible. It still is.
I remember an intense feeling that could only be described as ‘not wanting to be here’ or ‘not meant to be here’ like a weird undercurrent pervading everything I did especially during adolescence and up till adulthood. At a point it generally seemed like on the scoreboard of life there was no good or happiness that could surface to make the times of bottomless emptiness worth it.
I’d get sad and then be sad that i was sad. There were tears for no good reason, days of coming up with mundane reasons to blame everyone but myself for how I was feeling and then blaming myself for blaming them. Things only got worse when apart from the internal war I had to deal with on my own i had to deal with the mother of all warships: life.
It also didn’t help that when I tried to talk to people (hardly ever) be open or vulnerable it seemed like I was just looking for every excuse to be among the weaklings that natural selection missed by a millimetre.
I try not to overexaggerate my problems or talk about them too much and this post isn’t really about my problems; it’s about how I’m trying to change my perspective and the way I see things. I’ve been through quite a bit and though I may never have the courage to spill everything, I don’t want my mind to keep making everything worse than it already is.
Apparently the first noble truth (whatever that means) of Buddhism is that all life involves suffering and although I know life isn’t terrible and it gets better (I know this now) I just want to be mentally prepared for the days/periods life throws shit in my face. I want to be able to smile while I’m wiping it off. I need to not have breakdowns every time things don’t go according to plan. I just need to stay sane in the midst of everything that is coming.
I don’t know how this will happen but for the first time in my life I know that I really want this and I don’t want to use being a certain way as an excuse. I’m taking baby steps that I’ll document here as time goes on- like being positive saying affirmations and things I formerly considered as corny.
I want to do better. I want my mind to be a safe place for me not the enemy that kicks me when I’m down. I’m going to do better. Hopefully it all works out.rdd