What my anxiety feels like


The first time I had a panic attack that I recognised, someone told me something that scared me. It was something about a relationship I was in…it turned out to be true, I knew it was, but something about a third party telling me from the outside threw me off balance.

I was in a public place and was shaking so I needed to go home. I got into a cab, got home, and went straight up to my room. It felt like I had a fever; I was gasping for air and was in tears.

It was scary to me that my mind could make my body have such a crippling reaction to the thoughts in my head.

On my birthday in August this year, I had my yearly existential crisis where I ask myself questions I don’t have the answers to and feel grossly inadequate for spending (or wasting, however you see it) another year without having done anything substantial that actually matters to me.

This year it was worse. Why? Well I was having “relationship issues”, quotes because it really wasn’t a relationship, it was something more…complex. Coincidentally, the subject of both panic attacks was the the same person :).

I was at work and then was hit by my existential crisis and my “issues” at the same time… and then I felt myself shaking and about to cry. I left to go to the bathroom and felt myself almost choking. All my thoughts condensed into one two word sentence; “I’m scared”.

I can’t explain it but at the height of my panic attacks, I just keep thinking the words “I’m scared”. Sometimes I know what my anxiety stemmed from and sometimes I forget, but altogether those are the two words that stay on the forefront of my mind when my mind is too on edge to think of anything else.

It was scary to me that my mind could make my body have such a crippling reaction to the thoughts in my head.

I feel like talking to someone might help, I guess, but I’m so used to not talking, it’s ridiculous. I got used to holding stuff in at a time when I’d open up about stuff that really bothered me and would get responses that made me feel like the person just didn’t “get it”.

Another reason i’m scared to open up is because I feel like I can sort of tell what people are likely to say/think about me and my experiences based on similar conversations I’ve had with them about certain situations.

For instance, hypothetically, I’d really hope if you were feeling suicidal you would never talk to people that say in normal conversations that people with mental health issues need to get over themselves or “pray about it more” (I’ll talk about this later hopefully). So at the end of the day, I just feel i’ll be over it in time, so there’s no point telling someone else and then feeling worse.

I do get better with taking care of my mind everyday, but sometimes it gets a bit weird when I feel like I’m going back to the beginning or I’m ruining all the progress I’ve made so far.

Still working on it though. Everyday lol.

Author: loladeniyi


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