You deserve all the good in the world

Ice cream.

“Mummy can I please have some ice cream?”, I asked. I had braved my mum’s sour mood to let the words slide out of my mouth.

“What exactly have you done to deserve ice cream?” I froze but couldn’t deny the fact that I had kind of been expecting the response.

My report card hadn’t been impressive. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great either. And it certainly wasn’t ice-cream worthy…whatever that meant.

From her statement it wasn’t exactly about the report card, it was the fact that I had done absolutely nothing worthy of ice cream. I wracked my little brain thinking of any single good thing I’d done recently that made me worthy. I couldn’t think of anything.

Needless to say. There was no ice cream for me.

Not to say there’s any connection; there were times when I felt and was made to feel like the most special person in the world, but as an adult I managed to convince myself that I didn’t deserve a lot of things. I wish this ended with me telling you that me thinking I didn’t/don’t deserve things makes me work even harder to deserve but no it doesn’t, it didn’t. It’s quite the opposite actually.

When we say a person deserves things these days, we generally think of a person who has worked their butts off in a particular field or endeavour. We may say a person who studies a lot and/or is smart deserves good grades, or maybe the guy who’s the first to come in and the last to leave and has grown at least 15 grey hairs since his employment deserves a raise, and so on.

I guess this type of thinking stems from the fact that we as humans always need something to aspire to but from my own personal experience and no one else’s, this kind of thinking can only breed resentment for other people and eventually, or sooner, breed contempt and resentment for yourself.

You may end up as some kind of “deserving police” constantly trying to figure out why you or anyone else deserves things…and end up resentful if you feel you deserve something more than someone else.

Take the lottery for instance…do lottery winners deserve a million dollars? Maybe by the general definition they don’t but by my definition they do. They believed in luck enough to buy tickets and by virtue of that and the fact that they’re human beings (just being alive) they deserve all the good in the world.

You didn’t buy lottery tickets because you thought it was a silly thing to do…well, it’s your loss (and mine since I haven’t ever bought a lottery ticket either.

Because they “deserved” a million dollars, they took the steps, however silly it may be to you, to get a million dollars.

I think just knowing that you deserve all the good in this world by the mere miracle of the fact that you exist, helps you take steps towards achieving your dreams and getting the stuff you want.

You can’t do anything to deserve good things…you can only take steps to acquire/get the good you already deserve. Knowing this helps in heaps and bounds. In the grand scheme of your life, you’d be surprised how many doors you can open when you know what you deserve. This leaves room for your body and mind to work with you…not against you.

It also works on the flip side too. Prisoners on death row deserve to live just by virtue of being human and the inherent right to life but then some people did things that led to them being where they are now.

As with almost everything in this life, this line of thinking is debatable, but for me, this helps better than stabbing yourself in the eye trying to “deserve” things.

If you have a different opinion, do let me know in the comments ;).

When you’re the toxic one…

When you're the toxic one.
“Hey, are you going for X’s thing?”

“Hey, did you get my last message?”

It had been a couple of days since I’d heard from Y but that was perfectly understandable, considering I’d been as cold as rock frozen salami since the day we met while he had been full of child-like, cloying, annoying energy. 

I had told him I was going through it, but probably didn’t elaborate on the fact that IT meant 50 feet of literal shit.  Health,  financial troubles, a pregnancy scare and every other “bad thing” you could think of.  So it was understadable that Mr. Happy – Go – Lucky had had enough of my not-so-subtle jabs.

One time he had asked for the definition of gaslighting and instead of just stating it like a normal person, I sent a dictionary screenshot and alluded to the fact that he worked in an internet search company and should have checked himself. It was sarcasm and he had laughed but apparently he hadn’t found it funny because that was our last proper conversation. Not that we had ever had a proper conversation…you trying to have a conversation with a catty, rude individual doesn’t exactly count as a conversation does it?

In my defence I had told him that I was in a bad place and also that I found his “turn everything into a joke” manner of conversation very annoying plus it was something I was very not used to or into. This was after he had practically pushed me to abandon my “Hello how are you” method of conversation and bare what was really on my mind. “I’m honest so feel free to be honest too” he said.

Well…look where honesty got me.

I’m honestly unbothered that he’s aired out my messages, I kind of deserved that. I’m just sad that I made somebody feel bad at a point I my life where I’m trying all these self improvement stuff and that I still manage to be a terrible person on what can be desrcribed as my bad days. 

A terrible person is exactly what I’m trying not to be. 


 

 It’s all the rave talking  about how we’re going to cut off negative people and how we want positive vibes only and whatnot. This is all extremely necessary and wonderful as far as we remember that other people are allowed to cut us off if we’re the ones with the negative energy. 

Maybe the best thing to do when you’re in a negative headspace is to avoid conversation as much as possible. If it’s someone that you’re close to and you care about, maybe let them know you’re down in the dumps and will let them know once you’re mentally available. Silence can mayte be explained but words that are let out can’t be taken back. 

If we’re all meant to be so anti negative energy, maybe generally expecting people to be forgiving and sympathetic when we’re being plain evil, especially when they have no idea what exactly is going on might be a bit of a double standard. 

If you have mental health issues and have people who understand and love you regardless, that’s lovely, but let’s just generally try to be kinder and less bitchy. 

There’s enough negative energy in the collective consciousness.